Dead Birds are FALLING FROM THE SKIES!!!

This guy's safe...BUT FOR HOW LONG?!

I'm sure by now that we've all heard the news: Dead Birds Are Dead.

And of course news outlets are as helpful as ever, calling such things "unexplained" (which all too many people read as "unexplainable").  A quick Google News search for "dead birds" pulls up lots of fear.

Dead Birds and Dead Fish in Bible affiliated wih the demise of mankind?

Whoa, that's a scary one right from the get-go. I know here in the Pine Tree State we've got our share of believers in such things and the thought of it being real is enough to send a shiver up plenty of spines.

Now I notice that this first news article misses some of the very basic "five Ws" that I learned about in second grade. Actually it skips most of them and heads right into "Why". What I don't see is WHO is examining these birds, WHAT is really happening (how many birds, for example), WHERE exactly these instances are happening, or WHEN it is happening (for example, is it overnight, in broad daylight, over a period of days, or all in one go?).

At least it mentions some sources, including Fox News, a Bible website, and a 19th-century news article in the New York Times.

Animal, Bird and Crab Mass Deaths Spark Apocalypse Theories Online

Eep! MASS deaths!

Again, not a helluvalot of news here, just lots of speculation. Let's see who can give us some authoritative word on what's really going on here. Maybe, I dunno, an expert on birds, or epidemiology?

Kirk Cameron: Dead birds aren't the end of the world

Finally, some reason here! Here's a heads-up, journalists: if the former 80s teen star turned minister says that it's ridiculous to contact him instead of a scientist on this? It's ridiculous.

And finally, buried way down in the links, hidden below a list of conspiracy theory and gloom headlines, we have...

Scientists Offer Possible Explanation for Dead Birds Phenomenon

OK, here we have a scientist who didn't star in any sitcoms in the 80s saying this sort of thing is fairly commonplace and can happen for a variety of reasons.

But just so the conspiracy theorists and those who live in fear faith can still be validated, we've got this at the end: "Scientists have said however, that these conclusions are just theories, and can't be proven 100%."

Did you hear that?  Just a theory!  Like evolution, or gravity!

No speculation, rational or not, can be proven 100%.  Scientists are just honest enough with themselves and with the reading public to say so.